(This article was first published at The American Thinker on October 2, 2009.)
Well, it certainly could happen to a nicer guy. The increasingly irascible and decreasingly funny late night talk show host announced to his audience Tuesday night that he has been the victim of an extortion plot. It seems the sarcastic leftist has been a serial adulterer with members of his staff, reportedly all female ones. Looks like the caustic native Hoosier has been caught without his Worldwide Pants.
Gleaned from previous Letterman riffs about other public figures, including Eliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford whose dalliances had been revealed to the public, here are the Top Ten Excuses for Letterman's Adulterous Behavior:
10.) I learned everything I needed to know from Governor Mark Sanford.
9.) If you met my wife, you'd be fooling around with staffers, too.
8.) I was just doing research for a documentary about Bill Clinton.
7.) But they were the size of canned hams!
6.) You probably didn't realize that smarmy is an aphrodisiac.
5.) There is no truth to the rumor that I had my staffers assume that "slutty flight attendant look."
4.) It wasn't really me, it was my wily alter-ego, Shag-boy.
3.) Have you seen the ratings Conan has been getting?
2.) It's not like I'm Roman Polanski or something.
And the number one excuse for David Letterman's adulterous behavior:
It might have been adultery, but it wasn't adultery-adultery.